A few minutes ago, I went for lunch with my intern. He’s a smart young man … just finished 1st semester of Uni. He’s extremely enthusiastic, driven and sweet … always calling me “boss” (I’d pay his wages just for the ego boost!), and offering to buy me lunch & dinner.

But he’s also very restless. He’s always reading self-help books and discovering entrepreneurship, business, marketing etc. Now, I got nothing against these areas … I think it’s fantastic he spends so much time in his education (reminds me of myself a few years ago).

The problem is … he asks a lot of questions. A lot of big picture issues. Where is this business going? How much money do you want to make? What is your business philosophy (???) How come I didn’t see your roommate, did you guys fight? etc etc etc etc

And these questions were kinda pissing me off. I mean, I know i’m the boss and everything … and I’m supposed to be good at communication with employees. So, it was really bugging me … and this interrogation was bugging me!

But then I realized something I read a few weeks ago from a famous seduction guru. He said “Women are people too. Sometimes, they dress up and act up to protect themselves. But at the end of the day they have fears and insecurities. Everything they do is meant for keeping themselves safe and happy. And they have desires and dreams too. They will appreciate people who help them along the path. When they go home at night, they will go to a family … just like you. They are somebody’s darling daughter. A few years down, they will be someone’s wife. Maybe even a mother. Show them compassion … don’t take their obvious behaviour at face value, show them compassion for the motives behind the scenes.”

And you know what … the same analysis applies to every human. I realized that my intern had just had a hard few years. He was rebuilding his life in college … working hard to find a purpose, make friends and make something out of himself. Whatever his behaviour may be … there’re fears, insecurities, dreams and desires behind them. And once I started seeing that … the compassion came automatically.

So. I just listened. I asked him a questions or two, and then shut up. For the next 25 minutes in the 5 Star Chicken Rice stall opposite Beauty World, he just talked. And I listened. He had many many experiences to share. Many reflections that I don’t remember in my every day life.

Usually, I’d comment on what he says, sometimes even argue. But today, I just listened and put empathy before solutions. (There’s an excellent post on this by Alvin @ http://lifecoachesblog.com/2006/04/20/empathy-before-solutions-part-1/trackback/ )

And I can’t tell you what a difference it’s made. He’s calmer, in rapport and enjoying his work more. And I’ve been using this to handle every single person in my life. No matter what their response (a date rejection, a fight over rent, ecstacy over a game of daytoner) … I now see the emotions behind the behaviour, and give them respect and compassion for it.

I am happy